One and a half year(maybe it's even 2 years now) ago I was a completely different person.. Sitting alone watching movies, playing games.. Not having anything from the real life at all. I was overweight, unconfident, shy the worst combo ever. I always wanted to help my friends and did when I could. This is one of the things that makes me think ( still) that I'm a good hearted person. As I was getting fatter and getting further away from life a ray of hope appeared.

A natural doctor, I simply call him shaman, promised to help me loose weight. Seemed like bullshmach, but what did I have to loose. He changed my diet according to my blood type, masaged my stomach 3 times a week and believe it or not I was loosing weight. But dont think I'm trying to advertise some shit that will help you loose your weight. This is not what it's about. But this was something that changed me. I gained confidence, courage.. Althought I gained some weight back now and don't look that great my personality didn't change. I don't have any problem communicating with anyone, I solve situations with smile on my face a don't go choose violence as way of fighting back.

Yet there is one girl, who when I just think about, my brain goes into overdrive and I cannot think straight.. We really understood each other, we even made out a few times and boy was that something different.. When people see us together they think automatically we are together. The problem is she see's me as her best friend, she even told me she thinks of me as her brother (that's the best thing a girl can tell you really.. I wish for anyone to have to hear that from a person you love). I tried to melt her heart for a year, but nothing happened. Well not really, things between us got worse. I cannot even touch her now or give her a hug, because she will say I'm hitting on her again. For what I am ashamed of and regret is that when drunk I was a little too forceful. I held her hand against her will(not that hard I'm a guy that would never beat a girl) and wanted to kiss her.. It's no excuse I'm just saying this, because it's true, I was drunk and didn't remember this happening. To sum this whole time up, we had wonderful times together, we went beyond the friendship line and no not only me. I once convinced myself that I won't hit on her, but it was her when a bit drunk started to act towards me like we were lovers...

Retarded relationship? This is it. I'm hiding my feelings now, not showing that I want her in any way, we are trying to get our friendship back on track, but it's just worse and worse.. When she is drunk now she act as if I were someone bad and she won't stay anywhere near me alone.. You cannot imagine how that feels, we used to go out just the two of us, have fun, we talked about everything.. And now?

This new years eve we went to a party to celebrate new year with a few friends of ours. She acted like a total ice queen to me, I don't want to say it out loud, but she acted like a total bitch, and she went to bed with a friend of mine(well not anymore) and noone knows what happened there.. I couldn't sleep the whole night and I saw them lie next to each other.. Well I believe they made out, no matter what others say. But this was it for me. I tried everything good guy, bad guy, friend even though I cannot say I see her only as a friend and this is what I get..

Not another year of self torture while the girl I love so bad sleeps with other guys(she did and she told me). 2009 almost killed me emotionally.. I don't wanna to go trought it again. I deleted her from my icq, facebook and all other social networks I had her on. It's just two days, but it's killing me already.. I love her and I know she loves me too even if she doesn't see it.. There are just things you KNOW are there or are happening.. But I cannot do anything about it now.

I'm dating with other girls, but.. All others seem so boring and I don't feel more than sympathies.. I deleted her because I couldn't bare it anymore. Don't know what will happen in the future with us, but for now I can't be with her noir as boy, noir as friend..

If anyone got here, congratulations, it's over. If any of you readers has any experience or comments(mature please and to the topic) feel free to leave them here.
Thanks for reading.

Laci

p.s. This is my first blog so I'm pretty much a noob.

Hi,
I'd like to introduce myself just a little to anyone who should read this, my name is Laci I'm a 21 year old student of linguistics in Pavol Jozef Safarik University of Kosice. I love english, generally I love to study languages because it makes me feel like entering completely different worlds and getting to know lots of different people. I'm not special in any way at least I don't think I am. I like to hang out with my friends, party, listen to music, draw, play with my dog, play games etc. Ok so that's probably it for starters, I'll start writing my story I want to share and I'd like to get off my chest